Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
