i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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