The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
