i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
