Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
