i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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