I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
