Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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