You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm like, not good at living.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
