Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
