He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I stole a fireplace last night.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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