Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
