Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
