I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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