woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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