thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
