i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
