Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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