I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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