I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
