you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize