New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im six kinds of drunk right now
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize