There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm like, not good at living.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
