so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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