writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
