Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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