I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
