he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
