At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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