Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
