I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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