You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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