Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
