you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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