This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
