fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
