Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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