you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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