let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
