It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize