you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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