I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
