I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
