A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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