thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
