broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
