i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think people are normalizing furries
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
