I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
