Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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