FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
