i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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