sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
