its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
