billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
