I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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