I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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