I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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