I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
