brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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