Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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