I wish my penis had an off switch
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
