Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
