I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
